Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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