I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
