I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
