The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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