Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
