you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
