im six kinds of drunk right now
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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