Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she pinky promised me she was 18
Hippo gnu deer
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
