Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
