she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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