i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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