I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
what day is it and did you see me today?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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