Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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