if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
