I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My dick has a subreddit
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
