like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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