Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
