Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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