Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
