Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
