lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I lost the right to judge tonight
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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