shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
