i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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