I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
