As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
