I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
