my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
