This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
