Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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