I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
