i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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