broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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