How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
