True but thats because hes a fetus.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Randomize
