He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
