we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
