Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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