my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
