Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
