Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My pussy is not your playground.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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