So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
