i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
