you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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