he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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