I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
