there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
