Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
