i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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