honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
