Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
